Naturei Carter, Yisrael Dovid Weiss, and Jimmy Carter.

Monsey, New York.

Sadly, it may be true, as Rabbi Yisroel Dovid Weiss says, that "not all Jews are Zionists." Weiss also offers an argument that that "not all Jews are smart." It is ironic that the Rabbi's name, when rendered in English, is "Israel David Wise." He is against Israel. He is the polar opposite of King David. And he is wise in name only. His recent trip to Iran to participate in the "Holocaust Deniers Conference," also known as the "Conference of Nazis and Jews" violates every principle in Pirkey Avot, the book of Ethics of the Talmud.

But given that the Naturi Carter have such love for Achmadinejad and that they believe that Iran offers such benevolance to Jews, perhaps they should make an "Aliyah" of sorts to Iran. Maybe they could negotiate an exchange - they go to Iran and Syria, and the Syrian and Iranian Jews leave for Israel, Monsey, and Brooklyn.

If they do that, however, Weiss and his followers should leave their children here. First for reasons having to do with Jewish religious law, so the children can someday say "Kaddish," the traditional Jewish prayers, for their dead parents. And second because because it is illegal to endanger a child, and bringing a Jewish child to Iran or Syria is slightly more dangerous than say, Disneyland. Or Baghdad.

And they should turn down any real estate Achmadinejad offers them in the vicinity of Iran's nuclear weapons labs.

In the event that they don't want to go to Iran or Syria, but they want to leave Monsey, Weiss and his followers should consider Atlanta. The Carter Center is looking for a few "good" Jews. Weiss may get to hobnob with Jimmy Carter, or even a Saudi Prince.

Jimmy Carter: Some of My Best Friends Are Jews.

Dateline: Atlanta, GA. President Carter and spokesmen for the Saudi Royal Family are pleased to announce that the millions of dollars allegedly paid to Jimmy Carter by the Saudi royal family had nothing to do with the title of President Carter's book “Palestine: Peace Not Apartheid” rather than "Palestine: Peace Not Terror Murder Of Men, Women And Children.”

President Carter stands by his position. “Some of my best friends are Jews,” he said. Other 'best friends' are Arabs. President Carter also has good friends who are black. The fact that his Arab best friends may have given him a large sum of money and advised him on the title of his book, and the fact that his Arab best friends may have provided some of the research for some of the 'facts' as represented in the book, especially those 'facts' that have been criticized as being false, wrong, and technically incorrect is not meaningful.

President Carter pointedly ignored the fact that 14 of his former best friends and Directors of the Carter Center have resigned in protest over the book. However, he did point out that there still are 186 Directors of the Carter Center, and observed that the Saudi Royal Family and Emir of United Arab Emirates could help him replace the 14 who left.

President Carter noted that the use of the term 'best friends' to describe his friends who are Jews and his friends who are Arabs, and the use of the term 'good friends' to describe his friends who are black is not meant as a slight to black people. In fact, some of President Carter's good friends who are black are 'Best Friends.' Other friends who are black can be described as ‘Very Good Friends.’

President Carter's black friends, however, like his Jewish friends, didn't pay him any money to write this book. The Reverend Louis Farakhan doesn't read books by white people unless they are Moslem. The Reverend Al Sharpton won't say whether on not he likes the book, but he didn't buy it, he asked President Carter to give him a copy as a gift. Andrew Young refused a copy. The Reverend Jesse Jackson also refused a copy.

The Reverend Jesse Jackson, in a private telephone conversation with President Carter that was recorded for quality assurance or training purposes said 'Jimmy, I am not touching your book. I'm still on the hook for that 'Hymietown' remark I made 30 years ago. If he was alive today Martin Luther King wouldn't touch your book. Malcolm X wouldn't touch your book. OJ won’t touch your book. Even that Judith Regan chick won't touch your book and you know how she feels about Jewish people. (You might call Mel Gibson about the movie rights, but please don't ever tell anybody I said that.) This book is the dumbest thing you ever did. And you don't even need the money. You're 84 years old. What are you gonna do with all that money? You should give it to the Israelis whos homes are blown up and lives are destroyed by Hamas and Hizbollah. Just when people forgot about the Iranian hostage situation. Now look what you did. Boy, you should have stayed in Plains.'

And Arnold Schwartzenneger, California’s Austrian born Governor, said “President Carter, you know that I have given a lot of money to the (Nazi Hunters at the) Wiesenthal Center, even tho they don’t like my “Uncle” Kurt (Waldheim). But you have made a very big mistake with this book.”

Outsourcing the Mob

Organized Crime Announces "Lots of Cuts"
Another Industry Hit By Outsourcing

Bensonhurst, Brooklyn. In yet another setback to the economy, the Galino Organized Crime Family announced today that they were joining the ranks of business outsourcing jobs to India. They declined to give an exact count, but they did say that they were moving “lots” of positions from Brooklyn, Staten Island, and New Jersey to India. “I can’t tell you how many, or else I’d have to kill you.” Mr. Anthony “MBA-Boy Tony” Libretto, a capo in the Organization said. “But we are moving non-essential support services, our help desk, customer support, that sort of thing, as well as several of our executive positions to India, including our accounting and finance groups.”

“Can you tell me why you are doing this?” I asked.

“Sure I can,” he replied. “I was sitting in class, going after my MBA, and thinking about how to apply what I was learning. Thinking about whether it made sense – or how to make it make sense – for our business model. And it gives us the opportunity to expand. First of all, it will make it easier to avoid taxes. The money will be overseas. Remember what got Al Capone – Tax evasion. How they gonna find the money when it’s not here? You tell me.

And there are the opportunities for expansion. We will be opening up India to the sex and drug businesses, altho I must say, it is hard to get a good steak over there.” Libretto said. “But think about it – they wrap up those women in dresses the size of tents they got some hangups. We’ll make a bundle.”

“While I still use local talent for small jobs, like when I need to lean on someone; I use Indian talent for big jobs. American Contractors are good, but why pay $100,000 to whack somebody? With an Indian, I can get the job done for $10,000, including travel.” I was going to try Arabs. They blow themselves up, so we wouldn’t have to pay them nothin’ but they only want to kill Jews, and mostly go after women and children, which is not our target demographic,” Libretto continued.

“And what non-essential services will you be moving to India?” I asked.

“We have a service called ‘How’d You Get Lost You Dumb Asshole?’ If a guy is trying to hit another guy, and he gets lost, as some of these stupid gumbas do, then he can call a 900 number – he should know where he’s goin’ if he gets lost – he should pay to ask for directions – and anyways, he calls this 900 number and someone gives him directions. That can be done from India as well as from Brooklyn. They got maps and that Internet thing.”

“I see,” I replied.

“And we’re also moving our accounting,” he went on. “By doing our accounting in India we save big bucks. The accountants are cheaper over there, and we need 2 or sometimes 3 sets of books, so the savings really add up. Like for example – that Pizzaria – great pizza, right. You better believe it. Do you know how many sets of books we need for that one joint? We need three. Three! Can you believe it? One for the government, one for the dumb bastard who’s name is on the books, and one for me. That’s a lot of books, and each book costs money.”

“And like I said, it’s easier to prevent the government from knowing about things when the accounting is overseas. And it ties in with our banking and money laundering operations.”

I shouldn’t tell you this, but we are inking a deal with one of the companies that does customer service for several American banks. I can’t go into the specifics, but let’s just say we are coming in as advisors, partners, managers and we’ll take care of their garbage. When their people are talking to people about bank accounts – we are on the line. We want to know those account numbers, mothers maiden names, and balances. You can’t imagine how difficult it is over here, and how easy that is over there. Yep, this outsourcing thing is great.”

“Now shut-up and get in the car, you and me are taking a little ride.”

George W. Bush has failed in his mission as President of the United States and Commander-In-Chief.

Before September 11 he ignored the warnings about Osama bin Laden and Al Qaeda’s plot to commit terrorist atrocities on American soil. He has failed to protect and defend the United States.

When bin Laden was cornered in his Tora Bora hideout we paid Afghan warlords for his head. Bin Laden paid them more and remains at large. We passed up an opportunity to capture and punish bin Laden.

At a cost of 3000 lives, thousands of injuries, and hundreds of billions of dollars our dramatic show of force in Iraq toppled Saddam from power. However, it distracted us from the mission in Afghanistan, destabilized Iraq, delivered Iraq into the hands of our enemy and strengthened the hands of the terrorist states Iran and Syria.

The Russians see us as soft and weak, believing that we have repeated their mistakes in Afghanistan and upped the ante in Iraq.

The Administration’s answers include a stubborn refusal to look at the facts, questioning the patriotism of their critics, exposing our intelligence agents, torture, illegal wiretaps and now claiming the power to open our mail without a warrant. The President is trampling the Constitution he has sworn to uphold and defend.

Russia, Iran and Syria feel emboldened as they see us as bogged down in a quagmire in Iraq. We should declare victory in Iraq and redeploy to bases in Iraqi Kurdistan and aircraft carriers in the Gulf. This will save American lives and defend American interests.

Why Did the Republicans Fail to Deliver on Roe V. Wade - Why is it Still the Law of the Land?

For the last 6 years the Republicans have held the White House, They have held majorities in the House and the Senate. They have installed judges in the Courts. Their critics say they have packed the courts. They held all three branches of the government. During that time they could have overturned Roe v Wade. But they didn’t. Roe v Wade remains the law of the land.


While it is never an easy choice, I believe that people should have access to the medical procedures they need when necessary, no matter how difficult or painful. The alternative in this case is a world where people have no control over when and with whom they have children. Your daughter could get raped by some 'gangsta-rapper' and would have to be reminded of the torture of the rape every day for the rest of her life.


But that’s not the issue. The issue is that for the last 6 years the “Republicanistas,” the ideologues of the Republican Party, controlled all the branches of government, yet they didn’t follow through on their promises. While their cheerleaders in the media whined that the liberals were in control, these “Republicanistas” had the power but did next to nothing. All they did was take your money for their campaigns and line their pockets. They took your vote, they made promises, and they broke their promise. They sold your vote to the lobbyists but the Republicans did not keep their word.


I’m going to vote for people who say what they stand for. I’m going to vote Democratic.


I’m going to vote for people who deliver on their promises. I’m going to vote Democratic.

Iraq War To End: US & Iraq Declared Winners, France & Russia Losers.

Paris, France, Dec. 9. Objective Oriented Press Service, OOPS. The good news is, the war is almost over. As President Bush said, on an aircraft carrier, May 1, 2003 “Operation Iraqi Freedom was carried out with a combination of precision, speed, and boldness that the enemy did not expect.” Since then the war has been little more than a ‘mopping up operation.’

Now that the Iraq Study Group suggests we complete the mission by early 2008, just in time for the U.S. Presidential elections, and people all over the world are calling for Iran and Syria to get involved, some questions remain. Who won? And what can we expect to happen next? I spoke to Silas W. Coddington, noted pundit.

“Iraq and the United States are the real winners – we toppled Saddam, and destroyed whatever weapons of mass destruction Saddam had that we couldn’t find. Iran and Syria are also winners, and you can’t forget the Hamas, Hezbollah, and Palestinian people. The real losers – the Russians, and the French.”

“Wait a minute,” I said. “How did the Russians and the French lose this war? They are not involved. And how, exactly, did we win?”

“Well,” he started to explain, “it’s complicated. It’s really complicated. And I’m not sure you can really understand. I understand it, but I have a PhD.”

“Try me.”

“It’s like this. Remember Rumsfeld saying ‘You go to war with the army you have,’” he asked.

“December 9, 2004 – hard to forget.”

“It’s like that. When it’s time to stop fighting, and it will be in 2008, before the elections, we just declare victory. ‘Peace with Honor’ is good, but Nixon used that for Viet Nam, so we need a new slogan.”

“But that’s so cynical. It sounds like you’re manipulating the war for political gain.”

“Nothing could be further from the truth. We’re not manipulating the war, and we certainly wouldn’t do it for political gain. That’s un-American. That’s something the Russians would do. Or the French. Or the Terrorists. But not us. We wear the white cowboy hats. That’s why they lost the war.”

“But,” I protested, “How could they lose the war? They aren’t fighting.”

“Listen,” he answered, “You’re getting bogged down in ‘facts.’ We don’t need facts. We’re not reality based. We have TV, and Radio and the Internets. All we have to do is tell the reporters what the facts are, who won, they will write up the stories, if they want we can write up the stories for them, they publish the story, and everyone will eventually know the truth – that we won, that the facts are what we decide they are. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment to discuss some stock options with a defense contractor.”

***

This is a work of satire. Any resemblance to the facts is purely tragic.

Coulter, Limbaugh, Rumsfeld and Bush: The Real Winners of Election 2006

Washington, DC, Dec. 4. Objective Oriented Press Service, OOPS. The conventional wisdom inside the Beltway, throughout America, and all over the world is that the Democrats won the election. And while it’s technically true that candidates from the Democratic Party won election after election across the country, and Democrats won a majority in the House and the Senate, did they really win the election? I spoke to Silas W Coddington, noted “pundit.” He says “No, the Democrats didn’t win; they lost.”

"The real winners." according to Coddington, "were Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, Don Rumsfeld, and George W. Bush. Coulter, Limbaugh and all the other right wing pundits, commentators, writers, hacks, sycophants, and hangers on have made their living – and some have made a very good living – complaining that the Democrats were in control. This was really hard to do with a Republican President, Republican majority in both the House and the Senate, and Republicans in control of the Judiciary. Now that the Democrats control the House and the Senate, the job of these pundits will be so much easier. They won’t have to stretch the truth so far it breaks. Limbaugh will be able to stop “doing” drugs. Or he’ll be able to “do” better ones. And if a Democrat wins the Presidency in 2008? Coulter, Limbaugh and company will be in Heaven.”

“But wait,” I said. “Rumsfeld resigned on Nov. 8, day after the elections. How can you say he won?”

“It’s true that Rumsfeld resigned but look at it this way: he’s free. He may not have liberated Iraq, but he himself is now liberated. And with his skills and experience – advisor to Presidents, Secretary of Defense – he should run for President. His slogan: ‘Rumsfeld in ’08: Because there’s no success like failure.’ I think lots of people would love to see Rumsfeld as the Republican candidate for President in 2008. Especially Democrats.”

“The same holds for President Bush,” Coddington explained. “He’s got a little over two years left to his Presidency. People are starting to call him a ‘Lame Duck.’ The Disloyal Opposition, which is just about everybody, can’t wait. They have ‘Countdown’ clocks that count the days between now and Jan. 20, 2008. Unreasonable people are even calling for him to accept responsibility for the response to Hurricane Katrina, the felony of identifying a covert CIA agent, and misrepresenting the facts and “making up” the justifications of the Iraq war, as if the Commander-in-Chief really needs ‘Justifications’ to go to war … why incredible as it may sound, some even want him impeached for ‘Violating the Law’ over the NSA wiretaps. It could even happen.”

“But that sounds really bad,” I said, “How can he be considered to have won the election?”

“Simple. ” Coddington explained. “He just blames someone else for the failure in Iraq. He says ‘I’m the ‘Decider,’ not the ‘Fall Guy.’ I declared ‘Mission Accomplished’ way back, May 1, 2003. It’s not my fault the Iraqis didn’t listen. Ask the Democrats – they’re in control now, have been since January, 2007. We Republicanistas have been too busy working with lobbiests and decidering decisions about who gets what. Cheney spent a lot of time with Ken Lay’s people talking about energy policy before they went bankrupt. Cunningham, DeLay, Foley, we've been working hard. And now they’re all gone. Some went to jail. How can we accomplish anything?’”

“Well,” I asked, “what should he do?”

“If you ask me,” Coddington replied, “He should just go back to his ranch for a few days, or the next two years. chop some wood and hand over the keys to Jeb, or Cheney, or Rumsfeld. Yeah, that’s the ticket.”