The Candidates Today

Rudy Guiliani: "I have nothing to say, dear voter, that you will want to hear, so I will tell my wife I love her." And you can listen. Where will his next private moment in public occur? John Kennedy did Marilyn. Bobby Kennedy did Marilyn. Rudy does Marilyn, but in a different context. Will he be do Marilyn for Halloween? Is he running for Commander-in-Chief or Transvestite-in-Chief? Will he look as good on an aircraft carrier proclaiming 'Mission Accomplished' as he does in a blond wig nuzzleing Donald Trump?

Fred Thompson, on abortion: "I lobbied for it before I campaigned against it."

Poor McCain all he can do is insult kids who ask reasonable, if impolite, questions, and then promise to send them to Iraq.

Ron Paul - is he still running? He gets less press than Huckabee.

What about the Dems? Did Jesse Jackson really say Obama was acting too white? Will he say Hillary is acting too Girly? Or not girly enough? What about Romney? Can a white guy act too white? Oh wait - Romney is a Republican. But when he campaigned for Senate against Kennedy he campaigned as a Liberal. Is he running for Commander-in-Chief or Panderer-in-Chief?

And how about that Achmadenejihad? "We don't have homosexuals in Iran like you have in New York." Of course not. We have good old American homosexuals in New York. They speak English. You have Persian homosexuals in Iran. They don't speak English. They speak Farsi.

African American and Hispanic Women turning to Romney, Thompson, and maybe Giuliani.

Washington, D. C. Mitt Romney is the favorite among African American and Hispanic women voters here in Washington and throughout the country, according to a poll released by 'Friends of Mitt Romney, 2008.'

The poll was conducted by former Congressman and Professor Newt Gingrich, currently consulting to the Romney Campaign. In response, the Thompson Campaign hired Mr. Gingrich to release a statement saying the same thing, but substitute the name "Fred Thompson" for the name "Mitt Romney."

Gingrich said, "Our research indicates that African American and Hispanic women are increasingly astute and sophisticated. They will not vote for Hillary Clinton, just because she's a woman, or Barak Obama, just because he's an African-American, or even John Edwards, just because like Clinton and Obama, he cares about women and children."

"And I am waiting to hear back from the Giuliani campaign," Gingrich said. "I was Talking to Rudy, but he put me on hold to talk to his wife," he explained. "A concession to Sept 11," Gingrich added, quickly.

The women surveyed favor Romney, or Thompson, and possibly Giuliani, because they believe that the best way to lead America is by eliminating the capital gains tax and other progressive taxes that effect the wealthiest Americans, and to send disadvantaged children to the Middle East to fight for oil, or to fight some other wars in other parts of the world.

The survey polled Condoleeza Rice and her maid, Juanita. The results are considered reliable. Responding to criticisms that the sample size was too small and the survey is not scientific, Gingrich, said "Look, we are moving to the future. we don't need science. Science is so 20th Century."

High Level Discussions in Tehran

Putin: In my country we tolerate homosexuals. We don’t like them, but we don’t kill them. They have their uses.

Achmadinejad: I know. I had good times in Moscow.

Putin: Mahmoud, my friend, why don’t you send some men to Hisbollah, men with guns.

Achmadinejad: I can send them more men to Hizbollah. Men with guns and bombs. We call them “Scholars.”

Putin: Good. By the way. Did anyone ever tell you you look like Ringo Starr, that decadent man from the ‘Beatles’?

Achmadinejad: The Ringo Starr? Do you really think so? I have dreamed of playing the drum.

Putin: Then meet me in my bath, after I finish bombing Chechnia. We will play the drum together.

Willie Randolph Goes to Washington

Washington. Oct 4. The Mets are sending Willie Randolph to Washington, it was announced today. Not to coach the Nationals, but to manage the War in Iraq.

"There are winners and there are losers," President Bush said. "Willie Randolph is a loser who can be a winner on my team. And all the losers on anyone's teams can winners on my teams."

The President also announced plans to build baseball stadiums in major cities in Iraq. "We will be building baseball stadiums in major Iraqi cities, including Basra, Baghdad, Faluja, Mecca, Rihyadh, and Tehran," President Bush said. "Mecca and Rihyadh in Saudi Arabia and Tehran in Iran, to establish baseball in Iraq. We brought baseball to Japan after World War II, and then, 50 years later got Hideki Chopsuey joined the NY Rangers," President Bush continued. "We expect that 50 years from now some kid named Omar, or Mohammed, or Christian, some kid from Baghdad, or Basra, or Kuwait will come from Iraq to play baseball for the Jets or the Patriots."

The Vice President, in an undisclosed location, is reported to have scowled and said "Baseball. As if I have time to watch men play a game. I've got a war to fight. Phones to tap. Children's health care to veto."

The British Boycott of Israeli Universities – Not Working

The British Boycott of Israeli Universities – Not Working

The British Boycott of Israeli Universities has been in force now for several weeks. In that time a terror plot by Islamic Fundamentalists in England has failed, and the Moslems involved in the plot have been arrested.

However, the boycott of Israeli Universities is not having the desired effect of making the United Kingdom more secure.

Therefore, in the hope that shameless pandering will convince the Islamic Fundamentalist community that the British have no spine, a boycott of Jewish Religious Schools in America will be instituted. And, in addition to small bottles of shampoo less than three ounces in size, Jewish religious books of all sizes will be banned on commercial flights originating in Israel or America.

If this doesn’t work, Jewish Folk-Singers will be banned from the British Isles.

Neville Chamberlain would be proud.

I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby v. Paris Hilton

If you need a scorecard to tell them apart, here are the top 10 differences between I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby and Paris Hilton.

10. Hilton is a cute blond girl. Libby is a middle aged blond man only his mother thinks is cute.

9. “Scooter” Libby is named after a toy. Paris Hilton is named after a city.

8. Hilton, a socialite, is convicted of drunk driving and driving without a license. Libby, a lawyer, is convicted of obstruction of justice and perjury.

7. Everyone knows Hilton's first name. No one knows Libby's first name. This is because the Vice President recently had it classified "top secret."

6. An ex-boyfriend posted videos on the internet of Hilton having sex. Libby posted the name of a CIA Agent he screwed, but they did not have sex.

5. Hilton served a few days of her sentence and says she is sorry for what she did. Libby didn't serve any time and is sorry he got caught.

4. Libby is an unemployed ‘Chief of Staff’ whos former boss once shot a friend in the face. Hilton employs a ‘Chief of Staff’ but never shot any of her friends in the face.

3. Hilton’s actions – driving while intoxicated – jeopardized the lives of people in Southern California. Libby’s actions – identifying CIA agents and creating “evidence” to wage a war – endanger the national security of the United States.

2. Hilton is like the Princess Jasmine character from Disney’s 1992 animated feature, “Alladin.” Libby is like Iago, the parrot belonging to Jafar, the evil Grand Vizier.

1. Due to his conviction for Perjury and Obstruction of Justice, Unless pardoned, Libby will be prohibited from practicing law in the United States. Even tho convicted of drunk driving, Hilton can still become President of the United States.

The Real Reason for The War in Iraq

Dateline, the Meadowlands, New Jersey.

James Gandolfini, the actor formerly playing the role of Tony Soprano on the HBO Hit, “The Sopranos” has accepted a new role. Effective today he will reprise his role as Mr. Soprano, but as Spokesman for the White House.

While neither Karl Rove nor Vice President Cheney claim credit for the idea, it is hoped that it will bring bring any Republican legislators who disagree with the President back into the fold, and cause the Democrats to think twice before criticizing the President.

Mr Gandolfini, as Mr. Soprano, has announced the true nature of the mission in Iraq.

"Lots of talk was that we was looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction, the so-called 'WMD's'. There was also some talk about 'Bringing Democracy to Iraq,' the "Link" between Saddam and Bin Laden, and simply 'Oil.'. All this is garbage.'.

We know they had no WMD, and it's a good thing cause they might have used them on our troops.

We also know that there was no chance to bring democracy to Iraq, there was no link between Saddam and Bin Laden except that they hated each other. And we are on track to spend more money than the oil is worth.

”The real reason, and this has been recently de-classified, so I can tell you, is that we now have ‘evidence’ that Saddam was behind the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa. He is also a suspect in the "drug overdose" of Jimi Hendrix in 1972. And we are investigating links between Saddam and Lee Harvey Oswald and the assassination of John Kennedy. This is all good hard evidence – we just finished cooking it up, so we know it’s good.

“Any Questions?