Seasoned Greetings

Yappy Hew Near!

Nappy Yew Hear!

Happy New Year!

Impeach Cheney? Now? With Only 12 Months to Go?

Representatives Robert Wexler (D-FL), Luis Gutierrez (D-IL) and Tammy Baldwin (D-WI), all members of the House Judiciary Committee, believe that hearings should be held on the impeachment of Vice President Cheney. In an op-ed, published in the Philadelphia Enquirer on Dec. 27, titled: "Impeach Cheney Now - The allegations that he abused power are credible" Wexler, Guiterrez, and Baldwin wrote:

The issues at hand are too serious to ignore, including credible allegations of abuse of power that, if proven, may well constitute high crimes and misdemeanors under the Constitution. The allegations against Cheney relate to his deceptive actions leading up to the Iraq war, the revelation of the identity of a covert agent for political retaliation, and the illegal wiretapping of American citizens.

Former White House press secretary Scott McClellan has indicated that the vice president and his staff purposely gave him false information about the outing of Valerie Plame Wilson as a covert agent to report to the American people, it is even more important for Congress to investigate what may have been an intentional obstruction of justice. Congress should call McClellan to testify about what he described as being asked to "unknowingly [pass] along false information." In addition, recent revelations have shown that the administration, including the vice president, may have again manipulated and exaggerated evidence about weapons of mass destruction - this time about Iran's nuclear capabilities.

Wexler, Gutierrez and Baldwin went on to argue that the Congress must take its constitutional authority seriously and hold a sober investigation, not a "Kangaroo Court" like that the Republicans used on Clinton.

But why now? Cheney has 12 months left in his term. In November, 2008, we will elect a new President and a new Vice President. How much more can Cheney do "make America more secure" in the next 12 months? What are they thinking? Will he attack Iran? It's true that they have tremendous oil reserves and are ruled by Islamic Fundamentalists who don't like us; but we would never attack a country simply because they had tremendous oil reserves, and their leaders didn't like us.

A Chorus Line - The Best Musical. Ever. No Kidding!

THE BEST MUSICAL. EVER. YOU'VE GOT TO GET THIS SHOW, AND NOW YOU CAN...FOR LESS!* *Less Than Last Year If You're Paid in Canadian Dollars

I believe that calling 'A Chorus Line' the 'Best Musical Ever!' is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. And I was telling that to the guy from whom I am purchased the Brooklyn Bridge.

Better than 'Camelot' - about love and honor. Who cares about love and honor? Or 'West Side Story.' Love. Honor. What was that profound and deeply moving song by the J. Geils Band, 'Love Stinks!' And Tina Turner's 'What's Love Got To Do With It?' 'A Chorus Line' explores the timeless quest to become rich and famous, to become a star and develop your own following of Paparazzi who will love you when you break their cameras or emerge half naked from a limo. Screw art - as Frank Zappa put it, 'We're Only In It For The Money.'

Of course, 'Star Trek - The Musical,' if it was produced, might actually edge out 'Chorus Line,' depending on the whether Leonard Nimoy reprises the role of Spock and sings, or they get Leonard Cohen to do it - as long as it's a Jewish Canadian from Montreal (who better to play an alien who thinks too much than a brooding Jew from Montreal?) and whether Shatner loses 30 pounds to come to the great white way as an older, but still virile, Captain Kirk. And of course if they get Beyonce to play Uhura, and bring in Johnny Depp, Kiera Knightly, and Orlando Bloom as Jack Sparrow, Elizabeth Swann, and Will Turner - wait that's Pirates of the Caribbean.

'Moby Dick, Rehearsed' was great. I saw it off-off-Broadway - so far off it was practically the East River. Based on the fact that Orsen Wells wrote it, I expected a dark story that probes arrogance, obsession, and stubborness to the point of foolishness, and was not disappointed. 'Course I also get that reading the NY Times about Pres. Bush and the War in Iraq. My wife and daughter, on the other hand, who like singing, dancing, costumes, and all that fluffy crap were less enthusiastic. But they don't like reading the NY Times.

They liked 'Cats' which I found idiotic. No plot. No characters. Nothing but people with silly make-up.

A Chorus Line, 'The Best Musical. Ever.' is worth the $66 bucks, plus $10 service charge and $2.50 additional service charge, and $9.00 for a 1 liter bottle of tap water. Today $90 is the new $20. Eespecially if you have Euros, British Pounds, or Canadian Dollars.

A Chorus Line. The Best Musical. Ever. SERIOUSLY! NO KIDDING!

Want to buy the Brooklyn Bridge?

Deed of Claim of Mining and Mineral Rights

To
The Great Pacific Garbage Patch
&
All Other Oceanic Plastic

In the name of The Greenpeace Foundation, The Rocky Mountain Institute, The Environmental Defense Fund, The Algalita Marine Research Foundation, The Ocean Conservancy, The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, the Buddha, Lao Tsu, Confusious, The Lubbavitcher Rebbe, the Pope, the Dalai Lama, and Jerry Garcia, I Lawrence J. "XB Cold Fingers" Furman, philosopher, folk-singer, professional computer guru, blogger and all-around cool dude, hereby claim the mining, mineral, and recycling rights to the so-called “Great Pacific Garbage Patch,” a heap of plastics, organic compounds, and other debris that is approximately 10 million square miles in area, 30 meters deep and mass is estimated to 3.5 tons, and is perhaps equivalent to 25 or more barrels of oil, and to all other plastic floating in the oceans, and sediments of this planet beyond national borders and beyond territorial waters.

The "Great Pacific Garbage Patch," also known as "The Gyre," is located in the vicinity of the “Horse Latitudes,” between San Francisco, California, and Hawaii. Captain Charles Moore, skipper of the research vessel Alguita knows where it is.

In the spirit of capitalism, as described by Adam Smith, Milton Friedman, Alan Greenspan, and implemented by Andrew Carnegie, John David Rockefeller, T. Boone Pickens, and others, I deny any and all responsibility for cleaning up the mess. I know it’s there, but I didn’t put it there. The "external costs" are not my problem.



Signed

L J Furman
____________________________
Lawrence J. Furman
December 9, 2007.

Deed of Claim of Mining and Mineral Rights

To
The Great Pacific Garbage Patch
&
All Other Oceanic Plastic

In the name of The Greenpeace Foundation, The Rocky Mountain Institute, The Environmental Defense Fund, The Algalita Marine Research Foundation, The Ocean Conservancy, The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, the Buddha, Lao Tsu, Confusious, The Lubbavitcher Rebbe, the Pope, the Dalai Lama, and Jerry Garcia, I Lawrence J. "XB Cold Fingers" Furman, philosopher, folk-singer, professional computer guru, blogger and all-around cool dude, hereby claim the mining, mineral, and recycling rights to the so-called “Great Pacific Garbage Patch,” a heap of plastics, organic compounds, and other debris that is approximately 10 million square miles in area, 30 meters deep and mass is estimated to 3.5 tons, and is perhaps equivalent to 25 or more barrels of oil, and to all other plastic floating in the oceans, and sediments of this planet beyond national borders and beyond territorial waters.

The "Great Pacific Garbage Patch," also known as "The Gyre," is located in the vicinity of the “Horse Latitudes,” between San Francisco, California, and Hawaii. Captain Charles Moore, who has been exploring it for the last 10 years, skipper of the research vessel Alguita knows where it is.

In the spirit of capitalism, as described by Adam Smith, Milton Friedman, Alan Greenspan, and implemented by Andrew Carnegie, John David Rockefeller, T. Boone Pickens, and others, I deny any and all responsibility for cleaning up the mess. I know it’s there, but I didn’t put it there. The "external costs" are not my problem.



Signed

L J Furman
____________________________
Lawrence J. Furman
December 9, 2007.

Ten Cents A Coup, by Phil Ochs

It was a used-car dealer's election
The choice was rather small
The boys agreed
It's the war we need
So there's no President at all

Here's to the Grand Old Party
They are the stars of the stage and screen
It's not since Laurel and Hardy
Have I laughed so hard I screamed.

Damn-O-Crat Slogans

Hillary Clinton - Her Husband was President, and anything he can do she can do better!

Hillary Clinton - Let's talk about entitlements!

Baruch O'Bamagh - Irish, Jewish, Black, White, Christian, African, American.

Barack Obama - Dick Cheney's liberal cousin.

Sloganistas for the Republicanistas

What the Fuck?
I'm With Chuck!
Vote for Huck!
Mike Huckabee!

RUDY!
Because only a tough Cross-Dresser Can Put Osama in the Cross-Hairs!
And it takes a tough man to make a tender chicken!

What's more American than a Mormon?
A Liberal Morman From Massachusetts!
Vote for Mitt Romney
After all, Nixon Loved Donny and Marie (Osmond)

He Missed Woodstock in the '60's
And missed the White House in 2000
So Vote for McCain
He'll feel better.

Fred Thompson.
Because Teri is just as pretty as Elizabeth Kucinich and she's American!
And Fred hates New York!

Dubya on Rudy, Mitt, & Huckabee

Dateline, Camp David, Nov. 23, 2007.

Being a fellow Yale man, and a secret member of 'Skulls and Bones,' I checked with my boy Dubya on his picks for '08.

This is what he said to me and my partner:

"Well now lil' feller and listen up lil' girl,'

"Rudy, He's kinda stubborn, loyal. But the boys on Wall St like him, Tho he arrested a couple guys way back when. Putting the Emergency Response office in the World Trade Center was kinda dumb. But he made out ok. And that boy Keric. I don't know. Tough like Cheney, but dumb as a rock. The Log Cabins like Rudy, like how he likes them, like how he dresses up. Rudy's ok, He's not one of us, but we can use him.

"And Mitt, He's one of them Mormon Christians. Kind of wishy-washy. Must be a Massachusetts thing. Shoulda stayed in Oklahoma, or Minnesota, or Michigan. Whatever. I do like how he pretends to forget that Obama-guy's name, calls him Osama. I would say 'him running for Presidnet, he's Barakin up the wrong tree. Get it - Barak - Bark. Heh, heh, heh. (At this he scratched Barney's ears.) Anyways, Mitt calling Obama 'Osama,' that's good. Not Karl Rove 'McCain had a illigititate kid good,' not 'Lee-Atwater / Willie-Horton good,' but good. I wonder if he's behind that 'Obama is a Moslem' thing. That's real good. Maybe even 'Rove-Atwater' good. Mitt's not one of us. I claimed to be willing to work with the other side. Mitt really is willing to work with them liberal communinst pinkos. Then he regrets it. Sorta like havin' too much to drink one night and wakin' up with a headache. Like health care in Massachusetts. He's not really one of us. Dangerous.

"Mike Huckabee, he's misguided. He's kind of like a Damn-o-crat. But he's a Christian, so he can't really be a Damn-o-crat. Do you think Jesus would be a Damn-o-crat? Buildin' schools? Helpin' the poor? Give people health care? Create jobs? Protect the enviro-mint? Why that boy Huckabee actually believes that the purpose of Gov-mint is to provide for the consumers, who he calls 'citizens' when actuality it's jist to funnel taxpayer money from people who work fer a living to your friends and mine who own and manage large corp-rations and live on stock dividends and bonds. He's not really ok. I don't know how he calls his self a Christian. He even claims he's a minister.

"The thing is, who-ever wins don't matter. We might even give them 4 years of Hillary so they think things is ok. So they believes their precious Const-It-Too-Shun is working. Then Jeb'll run in 2016 and Jenna in 2024. Squash that Const-It-Too-Shun theory like Evolution.

"But don't tell anyone.

"And remember, we're listening. You think it's only China what is monitoring the Inter-anet?"

Giuliani: The Perfect Liberal Republican

Giuliani supports gay people, altho he is not really in favor of gay marriage. He believes everyone should have marriages like his first two - unhappy.

He supports a woman's right to choose, but is against abortion - believing that women should be free to choose husbands, shoes, fashions, that sort of thing, which is more than women have in Saudi Arabia.

He stands firm on his decision to locate the NYC Emergency Response Headquarters in World Trade Center Building 7, only blaming the people who advised him to put it in Brooklyn when questioned by those pesky reporters who insist on the facts.

I guess it boils down to "It depends on what the meaning of the word is, is."

Jersey Tomatoes - In November?

Here I am with my tomato plants. I've 3 plants and about 20 green and very slow ripening tomatoes, and it's November 4.

And at the same time that I'm raking my leaves, I'm watering the tomatoes and mowing the lawn.

Energy: Where do we go from here?

Energy: What do we do next? Where do we go from here? Solar? Wind? Nuclear? Coal? Oil? Negawatts?

Burning coal and oil create greenhouse gases and other pollutants. Nuclear power produces radioactive waste and a prodigious amount of heat pollution. Nuclear and fossil fuels require mines, mills or wells, and they are really bad for the environment, causing everything from pollution to global warming.

Negawatts makes sense. Hybrid cars get great gas mileage and offer a smooth, quiet, comfort. Every barrel of oil we don’t burn is better for our economy. Every barrel of oil we don’t buy from Iran, Saudi Arabia, or Venezuela is $80 or $90 or $100 that doesn’t go into the hands of people like Achmadinejad, Bandar, or Chavez. That's good for us and bad for the terrorists.

Solar and Wind are not perfect. People complain that they don’t look pretty. But they create jobs not pollution. They help our national security infrastructure. And they look fine to me. I’d rather see solar panels on my roof and wind turbines on my horizon then global warming and my money going to thugs like Achmadinejad.

Where do we go from here? Clean Energy or Dirty Energy?

Hillary contradicts herself, appears weak, indecisive, and secretive.

At the Democratic Party Debate, Tuesday, Oct. 30, Hillary Clinton, widely perceived by everybody but Democrats as the Democratic Party "front-runner" in the race to the race for the White House, seemed to stumble.

When asked about documenting undocumented aliens, Senator Clinton seemed to say she was for it, and then seemed to say she was against it, seemed to be contradicting herself. I use the precisely wishy-washy phrase "seemed to" because I'm not exactly sure what I heard and don't want to give the wrong impression.

However Joe Biden, Chris Dodd, John Edwards, Dennis Kucinich, Barak Obama, and Bill Richardson caught on. They are listed in alphabetical order of last names because I don't want to give the impression that I support any one candidate. I like them all. It's so hard to make up my mind. Any one could have catapulted her out of the race by saying

So you are saying: "'it depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is."

When asked about communications between herself and Bill Clinton, when he was President, Hillary spoke about the "process." Bill Clinton has asked that the papers be kept secret until 2012.

I would think that Hillary would want to publish any papers that show her to be "Presidential." As a voter, I would like to see them. She should state, unequivocally, that letters such as "love letters," and anything personal should be kept private. But discussions involving national policy, such as health care, should be made public. After, isn't she touting her years in the White House as experience? What has she done?

And when asked about signing on, along with 75 other Senators, to the Bush Cheney drumbeat against Iran, Hillary said 'We have to use all diplomatic means. Just because we signed on to a non-binding resolution allowing George Bush to use means other than diplomatic doesn't mean we favor war or anything. We need to try diplomacy first. And Bush is on the wrong course.
We need to work with Republicans.

Yep, real Presidential.

Terrific!

Mukasey Refuses To Commit.

Is "Waterboarding" torture? Mukasey won't say. The Democrats say waterboarding is torture. The Germans, the British, the Israelis, the Chinese, the Russians, say waterboarding is torture. The British say it doesn't work. The Russians say it's fun, but it really doesn't provide good information, because suspects tell the interrogators what they want to hear, to get it to stop.

But is Waterboarding Torture? Mukasey won't say.

This is an important question. Yet it's also important that Mukasey not answer. And here's why. Forget the question of a U. S. Attorney General appearing to allow torture. Gonzales crossed that bridge. He even tortured his own people - Gonzales tortured Republicans. With every appearance before the Senate grinning like an idiot with his hand in the cookie jar saying 'what cookies?' Gonzo Gonzales tortured the Republicans, and every conservative citizen who believes in the rule of law.

Like most lawyers, Mukasey loves the law. And like most men, Mukasey has issues with committment. Perhaps if asked by Larry Craig, or an attractive women, a Senator who looked like Scarlet Johanssen, or Marilyn Monroe, Mukasey would want to commit - at least for a while.

Maybe Dick Cheney, the President of the Senate, should ask the question. He and Judge Mukasey could talk about it while hunting.

Eureka - that's it - the prospect of a hunting trip with Dick "The Rifleman" Cheney explains why Mukasey won't answer the question. He's worried about being invited to hunt with Cheney. Or to visit Guantanamo to experience firsthand the pleasures of waterboarding.

The Candidates Today

Rudy Guiliani: "I have nothing to say, dear voter, that you will want to hear, so I will tell my wife I love her." And you can listen. Where will his next private moment in public occur? John Kennedy did Marilyn. Bobby Kennedy did Marilyn. Rudy does Marilyn, but in a different context. Will he be do Marilyn for Halloween? Is he running for Commander-in-Chief or Transvestite-in-Chief? Will he look as good on an aircraft carrier proclaiming 'Mission Accomplished' as he does in a blond wig nuzzleing Donald Trump?

Fred Thompson, on abortion: "I lobbied for it before I campaigned against it."

Poor McCain all he can do is insult kids who ask reasonable, if impolite, questions, and then promise to send them to Iraq.

Ron Paul - is he still running? He gets less press than Huckabee.

What about the Dems? Did Jesse Jackson really say Obama was acting too white? Will he say Hillary is acting too Girly? Or not girly enough? What about Romney? Can a white guy act too white? Oh wait - Romney is a Republican. But when he campaigned for Senate against Kennedy he campaigned as a Liberal. Is he running for Commander-in-Chief or Panderer-in-Chief?

And how about that Achmadenejihad? "We don't have homosexuals in Iran like you have in New York." Of course not. We have good old American homosexuals in New York. They speak English. You have Persian homosexuals in Iran. They don't speak English. They speak Farsi.

African American and Hispanic Women turning to Romney, Thompson, and maybe Giuliani.

Washington, D. C. Mitt Romney is the favorite among African American and Hispanic women voters here in Washington and throughout the country, according to a poll released by 'Friends of Mitt Romney, 2008.'

The poll was conducted by former Congressman and Professor Newt Gingrich, currently consulting to the Romney Campaign. In response, the Thompson Campaign hired Mr. Gingrich to release a statement saying the same thing, but substitute the name "Fred Thompson" for the name "Mitt Romney."

Gingrich said, "Our research indicates that African American and Hispanic women are increasingly astute and sophisticated. They will not vote for Hillary Clinton, just because she's a woman, or Barak Obama, just because he's an African-American, or even John Edwards, just because like Clinton and Obama, he cares about women and children."

"And I am waiting to hear back from the Giuliani campaign," Gingrich said. "I was Talking to Rudy, but he put me on hold to talk to his wife," he explained. "A concession to Sept 11," Gingrich added, quickly.

The women surveyed favor Romney, or Thompson, and possibly Giuliani, because they believe that the best way to lead America is by eliminating the capital gains tax and other progressive taxes that effect the wealthiest Americans, and to send disadvantaged children to the Middle East to fight for oil, or to fight some other wars in other parts of the world.

The survey polled Condoleeza Rice and her maid, Juanita. The results are considered reliable. Responding to criticisms that the sample size was too small and the survey is not scientific, Gingrich, said "Look, we are moving to the future. we don't need science. Science is so 20th Century."

High Level Discussions in Tehran

Putin: In my country we tolerate homosexuals. We don’t like them, but we don’t kill them. They have their uses.

Achmadinejad: I know. I had good times in Moscow.

Putin: Mahmoud, my friend, why don’t you send some men to Hisbollah, men with guns.

Achmadinejad: I can send them more men to Hizbollah. Men with guns and bombs. We call them “Scholars.”

Putin: Good. By the way. Did anyone ever tell you you look like Ringo Starr, that decadent man from the ‘Beatles’?

Achmadinejad: The Ringo Starr? Do you really think so? I have dreamed of playing the drum.

Putin: Then meet me in my bath, after I finish bombing Chechnia. We will play the drum together.

Willie Randolph Goes to Washington

Washington. Oct 4. The Mets are sending Willie Randolph to Washington, it was announced today. Not to coach the Nationals, but to manage the War in Iraq.

"There are winners and there are losers," President Bush said. "Willie Randolph is a loser who can be a winner on my team. And all the losers on anyone's teams can winners on my teams."

The President also announced plans to build baseball stadiums in major cities in Iraq. "We will be building baseball stadiums in major Iraqi cities, including Basra, Baghdad, Faluja, Mecca, Rihyadh, and Tehran," President Bush said. "Mecca and Rihyadh in Saudi Arabia and Tehran in Iran, to establish baseball in Iraq. We brought baseball to Japan after World War II, and then, 50 years later got Hideki Chopsuey joined the NY Rangers," President Bush continued. "We expect that 50 years from now some kid named Omar, or Mohammed, or Christian, some kid from Baghdad, or Basra, or Kuwait will come from Iraq to play baseball for the Jets or the Patriots."

The Vice President, in an undisclosed location, is reported to have scowled and said "Baseball. As if I have time to watch men play a game. I've got a war to fight. Phones to tap. Children's health care to veto."

The British Boycott of Israeli Universities – Not Working

The British Boycott of Israeli Universities – Not Working

The British Boycott of Israeli Universities has been in force now for several weeks. In that time a terror plot by Islamic Fundamentalists in England has failed, and the Moslems involved in the plot have been arrested.

However, the boycott of Israeli Universities is not having the desired effect of making the United Kingdom more secure.

Therefore, in the hope that shameless pandering will convince the Islamic Fundamentalist community that the British have no spine, a boycott of Jewish Religious Schools in America will be instituted. And, in addition to small bottles of shampoo less than three ounces in size, Jewish religious books of all sizes will be banned on commercial flights originating in Israel or America.

If this doesn’t work, Jewish Folk-Singers will be banned from the British Isles.

Neville Chamberlain would be proud.

I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby v. Paris Hilton

If you need a scorecard to tell them apart, here are the top 10 differences between I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby and Paris Hilton.

10. Hilton is a cute blond girl. Libby is a middle aged blond man only his mother thinks is cute.

9. “Scooter” Libby is named after a toy. Paris Hilton is named after a city.

8. Hilton, a socialite, is convicted of drunk driving and driving without a license. Libby, a lawyer, is convicted of obstruction of justice and perjury.

7. Everyone knows Hilton's first name. No one knows Libby's first name. This is because the Vice President recently had it classified "top secret."

6. An ex-boyfriend posted videos on the internet of Hilton having sex. Libby posted the name of a CIA Agent he screwed, but they did not have sex.

5. Hilton served a few days of her sentence and says she is sorry for what she did. Libby didn't serve any time and is sorry he got caught.

4. Libby is an unemployed ‘Chief of Staff’ whos former boss once shot a friend in the face. Hilton employs a ‘Chief of Staff’ but never shot any of her friends in the face.

3. Hilton’s actions – driving while intoxicated – jeopardized the lives of people in Southern California. Libby’s actions – identifying CIA agents and creating “evidence” to wage a war – endanger the national security of the United States.

2. Hilton is like the Princess Jasmine character from Disney’s 1992 animated feature, “Alladin.” Libby is like Iago, the parrot belonging to Jafar, the evil Grand Vizier.

1. Due to his conviction for Perjury and Obstruction of Justice, Unless pardoned, Libby will be prohibited from practicing law in the United States. Even tho convicted of drunk driving, Hilton can still become President of the United States.

The Real Reason for The War in Iraq

Dateline, the Meadowlands, New Jersey.

James Gandolfini, the actor formerly playing the role of Tony Soprano on the HBO Hit, “The Sopranos” has accepted a new role. Effective today he will reprise his role as Mr. Soprano, but as Spokesman for the White House.

While neither Karl Rove nor Vice President Cheney claim credit for the idea, it is hoped that it will bring bring any Republican legislators who disagree with the President back into the fold, and cause the Democrats to think twice before criticizing the President.

Mr Gandolfini, as Mr. Soprano, has announced the true nature of the mission in Iraq.

"Lots of talk was that we was looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction, the so-called 'WMD's'. There was also some talk about 'Bringing Democracy to Iraq,' the "Link" between Saddam and Bin Laden, and simply 'Oil.'. All this is garbage.'.

We know they had no WMD, and it's a good thing cause they might have used them on our troops.

We also know that there was no chance to bring democracy to Iraq, there was no link between Saddam and Bin Laden except that they hated each other. And we are on track to spend more money than the oil is worth.

”The real reason, and this has been recently de-classified, so I can tell you, is that we now have ‘evidence’ that Saddam was behind the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa. He is also a suspect in the "drug overdose" of Jimi Hendrix in 1972. And we are investigating links between Saddam and Lee Harvey Oswald and the assassination of John Kennedy. This is all good hard evidence – we just finished cooking it up, so we know it’s good.

“Any Questions?

Flip Flopping Today

New York. Paul Simon was asked to release a new version of “Slip Sliding Away,” to be called “Flip Flopping Today.” The call came from the Giuliani Campaign, and came for the McCain Campaign. Or maybe it came for the Giuliani Campaign but came from the McCain Campaign. Or from the Romney Campaign for Giuliani and McCain. It is not, however, a dirty trick. Each candidate knows that the other guys lack credibility. But they want their party to win, so to be kinder, gentler, and compassionater, the new Republicanistas are trying to help each other. “Flip Flopping Today” applies equally to the three Republican runners up for 'Panderer-in-Chief' so whoever wins the GOP nomination next year will be able to use it.

And it’s official, the two wings of the GOP are the “We are Winning in Iraq, and We Will Continue to be Winning Until We Win, Even if it Takes 50 Years” wing,” and the “Faith Based; Believe in the God of Love and Peace and Be Ready to Kill Anyone Who Doesn’t” wing.

Republicanista strategists are also thinking of changing their name. They want to change it from ‘Grand Old Party,’ GOP, to “Grand Obtuse Old Party,” GOOP. It's a synonym for what they got us into in Iraq. But no one in the party leadership understands the meaning of obtuse. When critics say ‘You’re so obtuse.’ They smile, lean back, and say “Thanks.” Sometimes they say “Well, my daughter’s a lesbian. But she’s a good girl. Wants to be a good wife and mother. It’s those damn liberals. And no, there’s nothing wrong with your boy being a dancer. As long as he’s not a liberal. Look at George W. A cheerleader at Yale for Chris-sake. Maybe we could hook your boy up with my daughter.”

On Larry King Live, Giuliani said "I support a woman's right to choose but I am against abortion." Exactly what “woman’s right to choose” is he supporting? A woman’s right to choose her outfit? A woman's right to choose a bathing suit? Call me a misogynist, but while I support abortion rights, I believe that fat chicks over 55 should not be allowed to wear bikinis or thongs, and should be prohibited from topless beaches.

Giuliani also supports "protecting gays" but not domestic partnerships. Who is he protecting them from? Straight people with baseball bats? “Christians” who want to cure them with drugs and shock therapy? Or guys like Ted Haggard who say “I’m not gay, I just like to ‘study’ gay sex with prostitutes while I do drugs. So I know what I'm up against.” Haggard may not be gay any more, but he’s not gay any less. I agree with Rudy that gay people should have equal protection under the law. But I think that means marriage and domestic partnerships. Look at the bright side. If gay people can get married then they will be able to get divorced. If they get divorced at the same rate that straight people get divorced, then half of the gay marriages will be over almost as soon as they begin.

Giuliani supports gun control in cities like New York but not places like Texas. Doesn’t he know that as more Texans get guns, more Texans will kill each other with those guns? Or is that his point?

Romney used to be "Pro-Choice." Today he's "pro-choice" in the Blue states and "anti-women" in Dixie. McCain used to ride the "straight-talk" express. Now he panders to the Evangelicals. He was against the use of torture until Cheney invited him on a hunting trip. That Cheney can be mighty persuasive.

______________________________________________________

Giuliani on Larry King Live: http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/02/14/giuliani.lkl/index.htm
Romney on abortion: Committed to safe legal abortion, except when running for office.
http://www.ontheissues.org/Governor/Mitt_Romney_Abortion.htm

Reagan's Legacy

In the “Good Old Days” Americans felt that we can do anything we put our minds to. The government, in Lincoln's immortal words, was "of the people, by the people, and for the people."

Invoked at Gettysburg to justify for the Civil War - so "this Government, of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from this earth" was the American ideal from FDR to Nixon; perhaps from Washington to Nixon.

We knew were the good guys. We won World War II, we defeated the Nazis, we were taking on the Soviets, and we knew we would win. When Kennedy said ‘Ich bin ein Berliner’ he knew, we all knew, that if Eastern Europe was ruled from Moscow, we were threatened. We wanted to make the world a better place.

We landed on the moon. Not once, but six times between Apollo 11 landing in the Sea of Tranquility, Mare Tranquillitatis, on July 20, 1969 when Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin and Neil Armstrong took that “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” and Apollo 17, in Taurus Tittrow, Dec. 11, 1972.[1]

But today our national ideal is the opposite. Today, rather than we can do anything, we believe that government is incapable of everything. Some people actually believe that NASA staged the moon landings. A Conservative pundit would say, “Brown was incompetent as the head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency. How can you expect otherwise? He’s a government employee. Ditto for Rumsfeld as the Secretary of Defense.
President Reagan said "the 10 most frightening words are 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'"[2] If you hold this view, how can you run an agency like FEMA? How can you expect any response to a Katrina-like event other than the actual response to Katrina? How can you run the Department of Homeland Security? Or the Department of Defense? Or the Executive Branch?
Rather than “Of the people, by the people, and for the people” our government has become “of the special interests, by the special interests, and for the special interests.”

This is the legacy of Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush.

Lenin would be pleased. Stalin would smile. And Putin is laughing.

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[1] NASA. www.spds.nasa.gov/planetary/lunar/apollo.html . See also Wikipedia, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_Apollo and other sites. For a good overview see the Universities Space Research Association, USRA. www.lpi.usra.edu/expmoon/apollo_landings.html For great images, and sound, www.panoramas.dk/moon/mission-apollo.html.

[2] March 22, 1988, Remarks to state and local Republican officials on Federalism and Aid to the Nicaraguan Democratic Resistance. http://www.reagan.utexas.edu/archives/speeches/1988/032288d.htm.)

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State of Duh Union

L. J. “Gonzo” Furman.

Washington. President Bush found his stride. He has a terrific career ahead of him on late night cable tv news, or Comedy Central. He may not have the physical presence of Will Ferrell, or the 'kick them when they're down', 'laughing at you not with you' sensibility of Steven Colbert or David Letterman, but his timing and deadpan style rivals Jon Stewart, Tina Fey, Jay Leno and the other great news anchors of late night television. His 'State of Duh Union' was brilliant. Bush, with his zany sidekicks, Dick ‘I-Shot-The-Lawyer’ Cheney and Karl ‘I-Don’t-Care-If-It’s-A-Felony, I’m-Not-Quitting’ Rove should star in 'The Compassionate Conservative' on cable with 'The Daily Show and 'The Colbert Report'.

With energy policy Bush started by playing it straight: 'Energy policy is a matter of national security.' Solar energy and wind power produce electricity without pollution, and at lower cost. But this is boring so Bush didn’t talk about this. He did say that we should double the amount of petroleum the government stores in reserve and drill for oil in the Arctic Refuge. Some say the petroleum reserves are a government handout to the oil industry. Because the government buys oil, and then locks it up never to use it, until an emergency. And in an emergency, we need more than we have in reserve, so the government buys more, usually at higher prices. Does this sound like a good deal for the taxpayers or a handout to the oil industry?

Now Bush wants to double the reserves, and drill for oil in the Arctic Refuge. We can combine these goals by using the Arctic Oil as the Reserves. Normally, to create the reserves we take oil out of the ground, ship it, refine it, spill some, then put it in tanks, never to use it.

So why not keep the oil up in the Artic Refuge for the reserves and just leave it in the ground, without the drilling, refining, spilling and storage steps. The government should just pay the oil companies to leave the oil in the ground. Of course the oil companies are supposed to be paying the government royalties on the oil they extract, but the accountants can sort out the details. The important thing is to have the oil in reserve and increase return on investment for the oil companies.

Then there’s health care. The President wants health insurance premiums to be tax deductible. So wealthy people who pay more for health care, because they can, can write off the cost of their insurance. This is fair to wealthy people. Poor people, who are poor because they have no money, don’t need to write off the cost of their health insurance premium. They don’t pay for health insurance. (They don’t have it, but that’s beside the point.) They don’t pay income tax. President Bush is only trying to give wealthy people the same advantages that poor people have.

The President also wants to tax health care benefits. This sounds great. If I am hospitalized, then I will pay income tax on the money the insurance company paid the doctors and the hospital. If I am making about $65,000 per year, and my wife has a baby, and the hospital charges about $35,000, then I'll be taxed as if I made $100,000. When my kid goes to the doctor I'll pay more taxes. Who needs a raise? I can just go to the doctor. Then when I feel like a million bucks the government will feel like I'm worth a million bucks too.

The President wants to reduce the number of uninsured by shifting federal money away from hospitals. I see how this will reduce the number of uninsured – they will die.

The President wants to let poor children transfer to private schools. Private schools charge tuition. I thought that poor children are poor because they have no money. I must be missing something.

Bush wants to give his plan for Iraq a chance. I admire that. When I want a game of chance I go to Atlantic City or Vegas. I lose, but what the hell. When Bush wants a game of chance he goes to war. That’s tough. And he calls himself a compassionate conservative.

Scooter Libby, Leaker or Hero? The People v The Media

by L. J. “Gonzo” Furman

Dateline: Washington, DC. It’s not Scooter Libby who should be on trial, it’s the media elite: The Washington Post, Meet the Press, The New York Times, Time Magazine.

According to “classified” and “top secret” documents that I believe may exist although I have no basis for these beliefs, the White House plan was to test the media. And, except for Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update, and Comedy Central’s the Daily Show and the Colbert Report; the mainstream media failed the test. Weekend Update and The Daily Show stayed true to their mission: to criticize the White House at every turn. The Colbert Report, in allowing Stephen Colbert to say whatever popped into his mind, also passed the test. While they can no longer be considered “news media,” the Fox network and the New York Post fulfilled their role as cheerleaders for the White House. But the Washington Post, Meet the Press, the New York Times, and Time Magazine, which did not challenge the White House, failed in their mission.

Spokespeople for the media elite, in a news conference that “never happened” said “First of all we have to deliver shareholder value. Second, it’s a new world. There are many new outlets for the news, and we are making room for them, giving them a chance. There is this ‘Internet’ thing, and all those independent ‘bloggers.’ We want to help them by getting out of their way, and we did that by letting them run with this story.”

Spokespeople for Saturday Night Live, The Daily Show, and The Colbert Report said “Thanks. We thought we were making jokes. Does this mean we can get Press Badges? Can we get Pulitzers? And do we get free pizza and concert tickets?" Then they said "But seriously, we are entertainers. We don’t need concert tickets. We give concerts. You guys are journalists, investigative reporters. You’re supposed to investigate.”

The truth is that the White House operates on many levels. When he publicly expressed doubt that “we’ll find out who the leaker is” President Bush challenged the press to investigate. In revealing the identity of Valerie Plame as a covert agent for the CIA, the White House also acted on its plan to show that the CIA was ‘kinder and gentler.’ Plame is happily married to Joseph Wilson. She is therefore a housewife, sort of like the Angelina Jolie character in the film “Mr. and Mrs. Smith.” So in identifying Plame as an agent of the CIA the White House is showing the world the kind of people we have in the CIA. “Listen,” they are saying, “sometimes we apprehend bad people and bring them to places where tough people might ask them tough questions, but we are the good guys. We’re soccer moms. And by the way, we “apprehend” bad guys. We don’t “kidnap” people.”

Regarding the observation that identifying Plame as a CIA agent on “Non-Official Cover” put her life in danger, and also put anyone and everyone she ever worked with in danger, including “assets” in Europe and the Middle East, a spokesperson for the White House, in a telephone conversation that “never took place” said “life is dangerous. People get killed crossing the street. You better not print this. You know what I mean?”

Naturei Carter, Yisrael Dovid Weiss, and Jimmy Carter.

Monsey, New York.

Sadly, it may be true, as Rabbi Yisroel Dovid Weiss says, that "not all Jews are Zionists." Weiss also offers an argument that that "not all Jews are smart." It is ironic that the Rabbi's name, when rendered in English, is "Israel David Wise." He is against Israel. He is the polar opposite of King David. And he is wise in name only. His recent trip to Iran to participate in the "Holocaust Deniers Conference," also known as the "Conference of Nazis and Jews" violates every principle in Pirkey Avot, the book of Ethics of the Talmud.

But given that the Naturi Carter have such love for Achmadinejad and that they believe that Iran offers such benevolance to Jews, perhaps they should make an "Aliyah" of sorts to Iran. Maybe they could negotiate an exchange - they go to Iran and Syria, and the Syrian and Iranian Jews leave for Israel, Monsey, and Brooklyn.

If they do that, however, Weiss and his followers should leave their children here. First for reasons having to do with Jewish religious law, so the children can someday say "Kaddish," the traditional Jewish prayers, for their dead parents. And second because because it is illegal to endanger a child, and bringing a Jewish child to Iran or Syria is slightly more dangerous than say, Disneyland. Or Baghdad.

And they should turn down any real estate Achmadinejad offers them in the vicinity of Iran's nuclear weapons labs.

In the event that they don't want to go to Iran or Syria, but they want to leave Monsey, Weiss and his followers should consider Atlanta. The Carter Center is looking for a few "good" Jews. Weiss may get to hobnob with Jimmy Carter, or even a Saudi Prince.

Jimmy Carter: Some of My Best Friends Are Jews.

Dateline: Atlanta, GA. President Carter and spokesmen for the Saudi Royal Family are pleased to announce that the millions of dollars allegedly paid to Jimmy Carter by the Saudi royal family had nothing to do with the title of President Carter's book “Palestine: Peace Not Apartheid” rather than "Palestine: Peace Not Terror Murder Of Men, Women And Children.”

President Carter stands by his position. “Some of my best friends are Jews,” he said. Other 'best friends' are Arabs. President Carter also has good friends who are black. The fact that his Arab best friends may have given him a large sum of money and advised him on the title of his book, and the fact that his Arab best friends may have provided some of the research for some of the 'facts' as represented in the book, especially those 'facts' that have been criticized as being false, wrong, and technically incorrect is not meaningful.

President Carter pointedly ignored the fact that 14 of his former best friends and Directors of the Carter Center have resigned in protest over the book. However, he did point out that there still are 186 Directors of the Carter Center, and observed that the Saudi Royal Family and Emir of United Arab Emirates could help him replace the 14 who left.

President Carter noted that the use of the term 'best friends' to describe his friends who are Jews and his friends who are Arabs, and the use of the term 'good friends' to describe his friends who are black is not meant as a slight to black people. In fact, some of President Carter's good friends who are black are 'Best Friends.' Other friends who are black can be described as ‘Very Good Friends.’

President Carter's black friends, however, like his Jewish friends, didn't pay him any money to write this book. The Reverend Louis Farakhan doesn't read books by white people unless they are Moslem. The Reverend Al Sharpton won't say whether on not he likes the book, but he didn't buy it, he asked President Carter to give him a copy as a gift. Andrew Young refused a copy. The Reverend Jesse Jackson also refused a copy.

The Reverend Jesse Jackson, in a private telephone conversation with President Carter that was recorded for quality assurance or training purposes said 'Jimmy, I am not touching your book. I'm still on the hook for that 'Hymietown' remark I made 30 years ago. If he was alive today Martin Luther King wouldn't touch your book. Malcolm X wouldn't touch your book. OJ won’t touch your book. Even that Judith Regan chick won't touch your book and you know how she feels about Jewish people. (You might call Mel Gibson about the movie rights, but please don't ever tell anybody I said that.) This book is the dumbest thing you ever did. And you don't even need the money. You're 84 years old. What are you gonna do with all that money? You should give it to the Israelis whos homes are blown up and lives are destroyed by Hamas and Hizbollah. Just when people forgot about the Iranian hostage situation. Now look what you did. Boy, you should have stayed in Plains.'

And Arnold Schwartzenneger, California’s Austrian born Governor, said “President Carter, you know that I have given a lot of money to the (Nazi Hunters at the) Wiesenthal Center, even tho they don’t like my “Uncle” Kurt (Waldheim). But you have made a very big mistake with this book.”

Outsourcing the Mob

Organized Crime Announces "Lots of Cuts"
Another Industry Hit By Outsourcing

Bensonhurst, Brooklyn. In yet another setback to the economy, the Galino Organized Crime Family announced today that they were joining the ranks of business outsourcing jobs to India. They declined to give an exact count, but they did say that they were moving “lots” of positions from Brooklyn, Staten Island, and New Jersey to India. “I can’t tell you how many, or else I’d have to kill you.” Mr. Anthony “MBA-Boy Tony” Libretto, a capo in the Organization said. “But we are moving non-essential support services, our help desk, customer support, that sort of thing, as well as several of our executive positions to India, including our accounting and finance groups.”

“Can you tell me why you are doing this?” I asked.

“Sure I can,” he replied. “I was sitting in class, going after my MBA, and thinking about how to apply what I was learning. Thinking about whether it made sense – or how to make it make sense – for our business model. And it gives us the opportunity to expand. First of all, it will make it easier to avoid taxes. The money will be overseas. Remember what got Al Capone – Tax evasion. How they gonna find the money when it’s not here? You tell me.

And there are the opportunities for expansion. We will be opening up India to the sex and drug businesses, altho I must say, it is hard to get a good steak over there.” Libretto said. “But think about it – they wrap up those women in dresses the size of tents they got some hangups. We’ll make a bundle.”

“While I still use local talent for small jobs, like when I need to lean on someone; I use Indian talent for big jobs. American Contractors are good, but why pay $100,000 to whack somebody? With an Indian, I can get the job done for $10,000, including travel.” I was going to try Arabs. They blow themselves up, so we wouldn’t have to pay them nothin’ but they only want to kill Jews, and mostly go after women and children, which is not our target demographic,” Libretto continued.

“And what non-essential services will you be moving to India?” I asked.

“We have a service called ‘How’d You Get Lost You Dumb Asshole?’ If a guy is trying to hit another guy, and he gets lost, as some of these stupid gumbas do, then he can call a 900 number – he should know where he’s goin’ if he gets lost – he should pay to ask for directions – and anyways, he calls this 900 number and someone gives him directions. That can be done from India as well as from Brooklyn. They got maps and that Internet thing.”

“I see,” I replied.

“And we’re also moving our accounting,” he went on. “By doing our accounting in India we save big bucks. The accountants are cheaper over there, and we need 2 or sometimes 3 sets of books, so the savings really add up. Like for example – that Pizzaria – great pizza, right. You better believe it. Do you know how many sets of books we need for that one joint? We need three. Three! Can you believe it? One for the government, one for the dumb bastard who’s name is on the books, and one for me. That’s a lot of books, and each book costs money.”

“And like I said, it’s easier to prevent the government from knowing about things when the accounting is overseas. And it ties in with our banking and money laundering operations.”

I shouldn’t tell you this, but we are inking a deal with one of the companies that does customer service for several American banks. I can’t go into the specifics, but let’s just say we are coming in as advisors, partners, managers and we’ll take care of their garbage. When their people are talking to people about bank accounts – we are on the line. We want to know those account numbers, mothers maiden names, and balances. You can’t imagine how difficult it is over here, and how easy that is over there. Yep, this outsourcing thing is great.”

“Now shut-up and get in the car, you and me are taking a little ride.”

George W. Bush has failed in his mission as President of the United States and Commander-In-Chief.

Before September 11 he ignored the warnings about Osama bin Laden and Al Qaeda’s plot to commit terrorist atrocities on American soil. He has failed to protect and defend the United States.

When bin Laden was cornered in his Tora Bora hideout we paid Afghan warlords for his head. Bin Laden paid them more and remains at large. We passed up an opportunity to capture and punish bin Laden.

At a cost of 3000 lives, thousands of injuries, and hundreds of billions of dollars our dramatic show of force in Iraq toppled Saddam from power. However, it distracted us from the mission in Afghanistan, destabilized Iraq, delivered Iraq into the hands of our enemy and strengthened the hands of the terrorist states Iran and Syria.

The Russians see us as soft and weak, believing that we have repeated their mistakes in Afghanistan and upped the ante in Iraq.

The Administration’s answers include a stubborn refusal to look at the facts, questioning the patriotism of their critics, exposing our intelligence agents, torture, illegal wiretaps and now claiming the power to open our mail without a warrant. The President is trampling the Constitution he has sworn to uphold and defend.

Russia, Iran and Syria feel emboldened as they see us as bogged down in a quagmire in Iraq. We should declare victory in Iraq and redeploy to bases in Iraqi Kurdistan and aircraft carriers in the Gulf. This will save American lives and defend American interests.